, , , ,

… how moody I’ve been feeling recently.

I passed my First Aid requalification today, but somehow it doesn’t seem to matter a damn. Which makes no sense, of course, because I would have been gutted if I’d failed it.

It feels like no matter what I ‘succeed’ at, I am not really good at anything. But I am an adult, I shouldn’t need people to pat me on the back and say “Well done” for anything!

In all aspects of life, I suffer from not giving a shit about anything. Maybe it’s because if I care about something too much I will get stressed or disappointed, and not giving a shit is my way of protecting myself against failure?

It will be my Advanced Driving test tomorrow, and that’s something I *do* give a shit about… or at least I did. I feel now that even if I succeed the shine will have gone off it because I am so worried about Mike, I don’t care much about anything else at the moment. I know what is really important in life, and it’s people and loved ones; passing or failing a driving test is neither here nor there.

I’m still nervous as hell, though! I *do* care about it still – of course I do! If I fail I will be absolutely mortified. I don’t know how I will ever drive with Mike in the car again! I can’t even think about the possibility too hard, my stomach is already all churned up about it.

Tomorrow morning is zero hour…

It’s also weird the things that trigger off thoughts and feelings… I don’t know if you could call them flashbacks if you’re not sure what has happened, or when and where? I’m not even sure whether the person at the centre of them is me or not.